The power a party holds on our ability to socialize is truly something phenomenal.
At parties, I’ve entered into discussions with fascists, with trained mimes, with animal trainers, with programmers, and, notably, ballerinas. I don’t think this is unique to me. Parties bring something out in people, some social animal that will bring you splashing into other people’s circles with abandon.
It’s a bit different, however, to attend a party where you’re the only person who isn’t a professional dancer.
There’s a few things you should know about ballerinas, especially when one of them is an accomplished mixologist and you’re…
My fiancé is a tall, stoic, tech-bro programmer.
People look at him, see his dark hoodie and dark jeans and dark expression, and get a pretty accurate idea of what he’s like at a glance. He looks like a quiet type, more likely to listen than speak, who probably thinks about serious things most of the time.
Yet, when it came time to introduce his D&D character, he started with a drumroll.
And then a somersault.
He waggled his hands and eyebrows simultaneously, crossing his eyes and crying with a fantastic Mad Hatter voice — “I’m JIMBLES JAMBOREE!”
I’m a dad.
I don’t have kids. I’m not a grilling ace. I’ve only been fishing once, where I managed to hook my finger and swear off the sport. I’ve mown my fair share of lawns, but I cannot claim to own a riding mower.
I’m only 25 years old.
Yet, I have a collection of Dad themed mugs and a #1 Dad hat that I wear with enthusiasm.
So… How am I a dad?
Well, I’ll just start by telling you how proud of you I am.
Really! I don’t know you, but I already know that you’re trying…
What do you imagine it’s like being a henchman to a supervillain?
Like, a complete Igor. Hunchback and all, carrying things to and fro, flipping switches when requested, that sort of thing? Do you think it involves a lot of polishing of the villain’s bone-throne and refilling goblets with blood?
Personally, I imagine it to involve a lot of doing someone else’s laundry and clearing out all the empty Diet Coke cans from someone’s bedroom.
Am I speaking from experience, you ask?
Let’s just say that I was a very dutiful friend to a cacklingly manipulative person, and one…
The college my boyfriend attended is technically a co-ed college, allowing both men and women to attend equally. I say technically, because the reality is that the student body is 77% male.
Over the four years he attended that school, I got to know lots of kinds of dudes. types that I had yet to encounter. Types of dudes that now, unfortunately, I know far too well and can spot from a mile off.
So here’s my handy-dandy guide to the types of dudes out there that you probably won’t enjoy talking to.
As a point of clarity, any of…
If you own pets, you’ve already lost something important to you.
Not your independence, though you may feel a little lost without your animal pal. Not some effervescent, emotional quality that might be lost by the concept of owning another living being and caring for it.
I mean something literal. A favorite pair of shoes. A lease in an apartment you actually liked. A turkey dinner when you stepped outside for a moment and found the animal up on the counter, going to town.
A first edition Robert Louis Stevenson novel.
Did you throw your animal out on the street…
What did you imagine your engagement would look like?
I found out recently that this is something people spend a lot of time thinking about. The emphasis on a ‘perfect proposal’ is something that takes up a lot of mental space for a lot of people.
I was never the type; my imagination always skipped right over engagement to fantasize about marriage when I was in the mood for a romantic fantasy.
There’s the classic elements to consider, of course. The ring. Someone on one knee. An emphatic yes, to be sure.
One more question.
Do you imagine yourself in…
When you picture a college party, where does your mind go? Pure hedonism? National Lampoon? Lampshades on heads, keggers, beer pong, and blackouts?
That would have been my first guess, too, if I hadn’t lived close to the least party-centric college in possibly the entire world. It was a college made specifically for people to learn how to program video games. Not even programming other stuff, JUST video games.
The first college party I went to hosted by people from that school involved six people on their laptops, doing homework, while I quietly got drunk watching Wreck-It-Ralph alone in the…
Who do you turn into when your anxieties, fears, and worries get the best of you?
Do you turn into a Total Karen, letting your anxieties turn into anger and demands of others?
Personally, I go through a werewolf-like transformation. The full moon looms overhead, and from a pretty well adjusted adult, I transmogrify into a 13 year old with swoopy bangs.
I get sulky.
I get snippy.
No, I don’t want to do the dishes. I’m too busy applying dark eyeliner and thinking about how nobody understands me.
I’m fully aware of how obnoxious my late-onset angst is, but…
Are you afraid of spiders?
Before you lie and say you’re fine with them, and talk about how important they are to the ecosystem or whatever, let me ask you a new question:
Were you afraid of spiders as a little kid?
I certainly was. Not an abnormal amount, mind you, just a normal eight year old living my eight year old life, thinking spiders were one crowd I did not want to hang out with.
True, I was scared of a lot of things at that age. Elevators. Escalators. Staircases. …
Goofball, anti-fascist, stay at home jester. I use they/them pronouns and know useless information about everything.