The power a party holds on our ability to socialize is truly something phenomenal.
At parties, I’ve entered into discussions with fascists, with trained mimes, with animal trainers, with programmers, and, notably, ballerinas. I don’t think this is unique to me. Parties bring something out in people, some social animal that will bring you splashing into other people’s circles with abandon.
It’s a bit different, however, to attend a party where you’re the only person who isn’t a professional dancer.
There’s a few things you should know about ballerinas, especially when one of them is an accomplished mixologist and you’re all completely blasted. …
My fiancé is a tall, stoic, tech-bro programmer.
People look at him, see his dark hoodie and dark jeans and dark expression, and get a pretty accurate idea of what he’s like at a glance. He looks like a quiet type, more likely to listen than speak, who probably thinks about serious things most of the time.
Yet, when it came time to introduce his D&D character, he started with a drumroll.
And then a somersault.
He waggled his hands and eyebrows simultaneously, crossing his eyes and crying with a fantastic Mad Hatter voice — “I’m JIMBLES JAMBOREE!”
Cue a spit take from one of our friends, who had known him for months already. …
I’m a dad.
I don’t have kids. I’m not a grilling ace. I’ve only been fishing once, where I managed to hook my finger and swear off the sport. I’ve mown my fair share of lawns, but I cannot claim to own a riding mower.
I’m only 25 years old.
Yet, I have a collection of Dad themed mugs and a #1 Dad hat that I wear with enthusiasm.
So… How am I a dad?
Well, I’ll just start by telling you how proud of you I am.
Really! I don’t know you, but I already know that you’re trying your best out there in a world that’s really tough. …
What do you imagine it’s like being a henchman to a supervillain?
Like, a complete Igor. Hunchback and all, carrying things to and fro, flipping switches when requested, that sort of thing? Do you think it involves a lot of polishing of the villain’s bone-throne and refilling goblets with blood?
Personally, I imagine it to involve a lot of doing someone else’s laundry and clearing out all the empty Diet Coke cans from someone’s bedroom.
Am I speaking from experience, you ask?
Let’s just say that I was a very dutiful friend to a cacklingly manipulative person, and one of my Igor Style tasks involved fielding messages from boys she believed to be in love with her. …
The college my boyfriend attended is technically a co-ed college, allowing both men and women to attend equally. I say technically, because the reality is that the student body is 77% male.
Over the four years he attended that school, I got to know lots of kinds of dudes. types that I had yet to encounter. Types of dudes that now, unfortunately, I know far too well and can spot from a mile off.
So here’s my handy-dandy guide to the types of dudes out there that you probably won’t enjoy talking to.
As a point of clarity, any of these dudes can be any gender at all. In my personal experience, they’ve been cisgender men, but anybody has it in them to be obnoxious. …
If you own pets, you’ve already lost something important to you.
Not your independence, though you may feel a little lost without your animal pal. Not some effervescent, emotional quality that might be lost by the concept of owning another living being and caring for it.
I mean something literal. A favorite pair of shoes. A lease in an apartment you actually liked. A turkey dinner when you stepped outside for a moment and found the animal up on the counter, going to town.
A first edition Robert Louis Stevenson novel.
Did you throw your animal out on the street? …
What did you imagine your engagement would look like?
I found out recently that this is something people spend a lot of time thinking about. The emphasis on a ‘perfect proposal’ is something that takes up a lot of mental space for a lot of people.
I was never the type; my imagination always skipped right over engagement to fantasize about marriage when I was in the mood for a romantic fantasy.
There’s the classic elements to consider, of course. The ring. Someone on one knee. An emphatic yes, to be sure.
One more question.
Do you imagine yourself in a clown costume? …
When you picture a college party, where does your mind go? Pure hedonism? National Lampoon? Lampshades on heads, keggers, beer pong, and blackouts?
That would have been my first guess, too, if I hadn’t lived close to the least party-centric college in possibly the entire world. It was a college made specifically for people to learn how to program video games. Not even programming other stuff, JUST video games.
The first college party I went to hosted by people from that school involved six people on their laptops, doing homework, while I quietly got drunk watching Wreck-It-Ralph alone in the living room. …
Who do you turn into when your anxieties, fears, and worries get the best of you?
Do you turn into a Total Karen, letting your anxieties turn into anger and demands of others?
Personally, I go through a werewolf-like transformation. The full moon looms overhead, and from a pretty well adjusted adult, I transmogrify into a 13 year old with swoopy bangs.
I get sulky.
I get snippy.
No, I don’t want to do the dishes. I’m too busy applying dark eyeliner and thinking about how nobody understands me.
I’m fully aware of how obnoxious my late-onset angst is, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind. …
Are you afraid of spiders?
Before you lie and say you’re fine with them, and talk about how important they are to the ecosystem or whatever, let me ask you a new question:
Were you afraid of spiders as a little kid?
I certainly was. Not an abnormal amount, mind you, just a normal eight year old living my eight year old life, thinking spiders were one crowd I did not want to hang out with.
True, I was scared of a lot of things at that age. Elevators. Escalators. Staircases. …